Oh bugger, they’ve sent in the balloons!

Count ZeppelinGet this! In Russia, they’re having trouble keeping the criminals down, so what have they invested in? Hi-tech computer systems to track the malefactors? More manpower to flood the streets with? Don’t be silly, this is Russia we’re talking about.

Nooo, what they’ve done is bought a couple of new vehicles for the force. But we’re not talking zhigulis, or Ladas – they’ve put a ton of roubles behind five zeppelins. Yup, you read that right. Those big pointy balloon things that are so inexorably connected with Stairways to Heaven, cricket at Lords and explosions after WW1.

I bet the Russian Mafia were shaking in their boots when they read Pravda that morning! Pheweee – perhaps Scotland Yard are looking into bringing back Penny Farthings were the bobbies on the beat. You can just see it now, can’t you?

“Office Karkov, there is a man mugging a lady on Nevsky Prospect.”
“Certainly, sir, I’ll just get Officer Titov and head off down there in the Zeppelin.”

I rest my case!

Can I help you, sir…?

Bugaboo GeckoSo we went to buy some stuff from Mothercare this weekend for the new baby. Fortunately we knew what we wanted. because that way we didn’t have to deal with the nightmare that is… WEEKEND SALES STAFF!

Now I understand that when you’re at school or college that you need to earn some extra cash. Goodness knows I spent enough years toiling away at the Garden Centre to realise that. And working at somewhere like Mothercare is as good a place as any. A lot of the customers in there are usually happy – especially if they’re expectant mothers and fathers.

And what’s important is knowledge and availability – something that seemed distinctly lacking. Never anyone to talk to, never anyone who knew what they were doing and generally, everything was all over the place.

And the thing is, I’ve noticed over the years that staffing abilities at weekends in stores is generally appalling. I’m not going to diss all younger workers, because often they’re some of the best. It’s the ones who clearly have absolutely no idea, and utter lack of wherewithal and inability to know the products they’re selling or the job they’re clearly being paid to do. Perhaps, they’re so pissed off at the weekly wage, they’ve decided to go on strike while at work. Or maybe the Union Of Bored Saturday Workers orders their members to do as little as possible to uphold the reputation.

Just irritating…

Where are you going?

Tower BridgeI live in London! I make that point, because a lof of people think driving in this country’s capital is akin to attempting to navigate through as warzone.

It’s not – clearly! The average speed of traffic, as is often quoted, is less than 10mph in London. This means that you have quite a lot of time to work out where you’re going – or so you would have thought. Somehow, I’m always getting stuck behind people who clearly have no idea whether they’re going left, right, straight on, or perhaps need to turn round and return from whence they came.

Now I accept that sometimes we all are a little uncertain as to how to reach our final destination, but why are all these people always driving through London. This is one of the busiest road networks in the country and people choose to drive through it, WITHOUT KNOWING WHERE THEY’RE GOING!

Come on, guys, sort it out! Can’t you make an effort to work out your route before you get in the car? Don’t you have a vague idea as to where you’re going? Have you any idea how to use your mirrors? Do you know where your indicators are?

Spend some money on a satnav! Get someone to sit next to you and navigate! Call a taxi! Take public transport! Just don’t clog up the roads and cause accidents. Enough!